One of my students blogged about my leaving the school, in a way that sounds accusative. To be honest I feel rather sad about leaving my students, especially those from 3.9, 3.10 and 5.04. It was a fun year, and I only regret not being able to know them better, plus my failure to do more in class due to my bad health towards the middle of the year.

Sometimes I too wonder why I feel the urge to leave school. Maybe it's just in my bones, this tendency to want to run away? I mean I've done it once, plus this round maybe this is an indication that I'm an escapist? Maybe I just haven't grown up yet, this refusal to do things that I don't like doing ... A colleague was tasked to do this package for next year, and I realised I have already done one chapter of it last year. We ended up musing about how we have to do all these things just-for-show, and completely waste our time away. The first time you have to do something like that, you'd probably be enthusiastic thinking someone would read it. But when the reality sink in, when you realise that it's all for show ... how can you bring yourself to do it anymore?

I can't understand how people can do things that even they themselves agree is unacceptable. Yet I wonder how my refusal to conform, my acts of defiance, can actually make the situation better? It's easy to call those management people brainless zombies, but how does that help? Beyond my feeling a moment of gratification ...

Sometimes I wish I don't have to see so much, to be so aware of the imperfections of life, to be capable of dreaming so much only to be disappointed by the big discrepancy between dream and reality. But then again, I can't imagine myself to be otherwise - what a zombie existence that'd be!

After watching Singapore Dreaming, I wonder, perhaps it's because I do not know what my dream really is. I mean, do I really want to change the education system? On reflection, all I want to do is lessen the suffering I see in our students ... I don't really believe in a perfect system. But to do so can be so difficult, when you are up against a huge current ... bit by bit I feel my heart getting colder, my resilience against conforming forces decreasing. If I were to carry on like this I'd probably turn into another lifeless teacher.

Perhaps that's just another excuse. But it sure feels reassuring to know that there'd be time ahead to do more thinking. I hope ...